(Oct. 18, 2010) Los Angeles, CA – He may score high for comedic antics and publicity stunts, but David Arquette doesn’t win any points for separation etiquette, according to Karen Stewart.  Following Arquette’s explicit interview on the Howard Stern Show, the national divorce guru advises on the top five mistakes people make when announcing their divorce.

Say too much: In general when a couple is ready to get a divorce they want to move on as quickly as possible. This doesn’t mean they are ready for all the intimate details of their split to become public. Emotions run high during a separation, but respecting your ex’s privacy will benefit both of you and any children who are involved.

Brag about your improved sex life: It’s healthy to embrace your new single status, but bragging about your improved sex life, when you know it will get back to your ex is unwise. 

Blame your ex: You may feel as though your ex was the cause of your relationship ending, but in reality both parties usually play a part. Publicly lambasting your ex for your hurt and anguish won’t help you move on any faster.

Ask others to take sides: It’s inevitable that you’ll lose some friendships following a divorce or separation, but don’t attempt to force it by asking your allies to take sides. Allow the natural progression to unfold as it should.

Insult your ex in front of your children: While it’s natural to vent, talking ill of your ex in front of your child will only damage their view on relationships or make them feel as though half of their roots are flawed. 

Divorce is heartbreaking and it takes time to rebuild. A little respect and dignity in the face of pain will go a long way in your healing process and make you feel better about yourself in the long run.

Calgary, AB, October 19, 2010 – Fairway Divorce Solutions has been named in the 2010 annual PROFIT W100 ranking of Canada's Top Women Business Owners.  Ranking organizations by revenue growth, the PROFIT W100 profiles some of the countries most successful business leaders.  The November 2010 issue of PROFIT magazine will celebrate the achievements of female entrepreneurs and highlight their important contributions to the Canadian economy.

According to Fairway Divorce Solutions President and CEO, Karen Stewart, ranking on the Profit W100 is a true sign of success as both a franchised business and as a leader in mediation and conflict resolution.

“Ranking on the PROFIT W100 puts Fairway in a category of admired businesses that are expanding domestically and internationally,” says Stewart. “It is a huge honor for us, and a great way for other entrepreneurs to learn from the best practices and innovations of likeminded hyper-growth companies.”

Since 2008 Fairway Divorce Solutions has expanded franchise operations into 39 markets across Canada and the United States and sees no signs of slowing down.

“We’ve experienced a high demand among savvy franchise owners who understand the potential of providing a new divorce alternative.  As traditional divorce continues to come under scrutiny and reform, Fairway has grown exponentially by offering a proven divorce process to move on with dignity and more of your assets intact,” adds Stewart.

My wife and I will celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary this month and we are still best friends. But that isn’t the norm nowadays.

A few weeks ago we learned friends of ours who had been married for 32 years were heading to divorce court; he was having an affair with his secretary and his wife had no idea.

The divorce rate among boomers has jumped recently and that number is only expected to climb. Statistics from the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University show that despite the overall divorce rate in the U.S. dropping over the last 20 years, the divorce rate among people age 50 and over has doubled.

When you think we should be enjoying the best years of our lives, so many baby boomer marriages are falling apart. Look at the recent news of the break up between Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger. And who can forget the sudden split between Al and Tipper Gore after 40 years of marriage? What's going on here? Is it because the kids are grown and have left the nest? Have we grown tired of each other or is it a mid-life crisis?

To get some answers, I reached out to Karen Stewart, a divorce and relationship expert and founder and CEO of Fairway Divorce Solutions.

Boomer: What’s behind the trend of divorce rates dropping in every other age group except for boomers where it is rising?

Stewart: Baby boomers tend to be the group that has the economic livelihood and the economic feasibility to get divorced. What’s really interesting is that divorce rates will increase in both good and bad economic times. When there is a lot of money in marriage, divorce is a reasonably easy financial solution because when it comes to dividing the assets, there are enough for both parties. Marriages with not a lot of money tend to be more financially strained which can lead to stress and increase the risk of divorce. The baby boomer generation is hit most by those extremes.

Kids getting older and leaving the nest is another main driver of the increasing divorce.

Boomer: Do you think these trends are going to continue? Is the 30-year itch the new seven-year itch?

Stewart: I think the trends will continue in the age group of 40 – 65 year olds. As baby boomers get older I expect the rate to go down. We are looking at the attitudes of different generations; Generation Y seems to have an interesting sense of renewed excitement about the concept of marriage and the traditional family. Marriage is still in. With the recent wedding of Prince William and Princess Katherine we see the industry getting all stirred up again.

Boomer: Why are boomers looking for alternative options to the divorce process?

Stewart: Twenty years ago our laws for matrimonial division of property were very outdated and did not protect people getting divorced very well. States are getting slightly better with their laws, and in some states, like California the law splits property 50/50. The laws have sort of caught up a bit with the number of divorces.

Now, couples going through the process want to be smart and reasonable about it. Divorce will always be a tough, emotional journey, but now people are being more practical and pragmatic about how to bring resolution. Boomers are looking for alternatives to the standard 'hire two lawyers to fight it out'; people recognize the need to bring the marriage to an end in a less destructive way.

Boomer: What are some of the alternative measures to divorce besides going to court?

Stewart: Going to trial is probably your one extreme of the spectrum and happens when couples can't get along and their lawyers reach can’t agreement and then a judge makes the final decision.Working down the spectrum might be having two lawyers fight it out and come to an agreement without needing a trial or judge.

There are things like arbitration which is where a couple will hire a lawyer or maybe an ex judge to make final decisions. You also have collaborative law, which has been around for awhile, that involves each party hiring a lawyer to represent them, but the whole premise of the dispute resolution is that the attorneys cannot go to trial and represent them. If they breakdown in negotiations than the clients have to hire other lawyers.

You can have a mediation-type scenario where lawyers, financial experts or ex judges mediate the dispute. My company provides mediation for couples wanting a divorce and we have noticed an increase in clients representing themselves, they don't trust lawyers. However, self-represented litigants is causing huge havoc in the system and it will be interesting to see how this trend continues.

Boomer: What are some of the leading causes of boomers divorcing? Is infidelity a big problem?

Stewart: The one thing that I hear consistently, regardless of the specific catalyst, is lack of communication--that is by far the universal response. Infidelity is certainly a catalyst and often labeled as a reason; it plays a very large role in the breakdown or end of a marriage.

A really healthy marriage is hard to puncture, but one that is on somewhat-shady ground is very easy to puncture. It really gets back to the individuals and how they feel about infidelity based perhaps on their beliefs, value system and background. Infidelity is used as a catalyst reason for ending a marriage 50-70% of the time.

Boomer: Once a boomer couple decides to divorce, what can they do from the start to help preserve their wealth? Most boomers have worked their entire lives to be financially secure, how can they protect their assets?

Stewart: There are two endings with a divorce: emotional and business. And there are two main things that we have to make decisions about: our kids and our money.

In the large majority of cases, emotions play havoc with the decision-making process. Philosophically, we need to understand that divorce is a financial ending and we need to be pragmatic about it. The most important thing to do when it comes to money is to look at the assets and the values associated with them.

Once we can agree on what the assets are worth then we can look at how to divide them. Everything in divorce has a price tag and people must detach themselves emotionally from the assets. Women tend to be completely paranoid about being left to starve and become bag ladies. Men are typically worried about being taken to the cleaners. Our job is to come up with a solution that is going to make both individuals leave feeling comfortable and secure.  

Boomer: How can boomers deal and protect their older children when going through a divorce compared to teenagers or young children?

Stewart: When kids are younger mom and dad sit down with them and explain that ‘mommy and daddy love you, but we are not going to live together and everything is going to be all right.’

While older kids are more cynical and a little more in the know, they are just as much affected as younger kids--but in a different way. Parents need to be open and honest and on the same page on how to deliver the message to the older kids. The same rules apply: Never back stab or put down your ex. Always remember that your child is one half your ex and by putting down your ex you are basically telling kids half of them is not OK. Sometimes older kids hear too much or their parents share too much because they think they can handle it, they can’t. Be honest about your own feelings about what's happening to you without projecting or burdening your kids with any kind of decisions.

Boomer: Hollywood is setting a certain tone with divorce when it comes to high-profile cases. Do Hollywood couples decision to split up make divorce more appealing?

Stewart: What is happening in Hollywood is almost ‘sexfying’ divorce. Maria Shriver is the perfect example: the preppy girl who went off to school, married someone who is a little bit of a bad boy, but very successful. Arnold wasn’t all brawn, he also had brains. This is the fairy tale of your average baby boomer and now Maria has just found that her marriage has been basically a bit of a facade. I think we will see a bit of a movement to empower baby boomer women. I am worried that we might be creating a ‘victim sex appeal divorce baby boomer trend.’ I believe if we can get divorcing right we will actually see an increase in marriages.

When a married couple owns a business together, splitting up gets extra tricky.

After two decades as the co-owner of a landscape materials yard in northern California, 57-year-old Debbie Hannan didn't just retire: She divorced her business partner. Though amicable, the split led to a drawn-out legal battle over the terms of a settlement. The divorce, begun in August 2007, took nearly a year to finally close.

More than 1 million husband-and-wife teams run businesses together, according to the National Federation of Independent Business, and as with most businesses, the recession has put an economic strain on the ventures. At the same time, marriages remain rocky: In spite of data that suggests that married couples postponed divorce for economic reasons during the recession, the divorce rate stayed basically flat from 2005 to 2008, at about 17 per 1,000 married women. And while no one tracks the number of business-owning couples who split, or the number of divorces that also result in the dissolution of a family-owned business, when a business-owning couple splits, the complications are more than Judge Toler can handle.

The risks -- and options -- become especially stark as a divorcing couple gets older, experts say. As retirement grows closer, any retirement savings takes on added importance; that pot of money is considered marital property, and once the divorce is final, so is the distribution of assets. For business partners, the best way forward after a divorce depends on the nature of the venture and industry sector, as well as an ability to get along, if only at the workplace.

Gregg Herman, a family law attorney based in Milwaukee, says a common approach is to let one partner buy out the other. There are many ways to do that -- all at once or over time, as a 50-50 split or in some other proportion -- but good accountants can help value the business, which is critical, he says. "But what's really important is to do this in a co-operative way, since the business is the goose that lays the golden egg and you don't want to kill it." That kind of transition becomes more difficult if the couple shared crucial roles in the business, such as day-to-day operations, or key points of contact with customers and suppliers -- the "vital organs" of a company that can't be so easily separated without hurting sales, he says. That's especially worrisome now, when access to capital is still tight, which can make it harder to bridge a lag in sales with credit.

If that can't be solved, the couple might consider dividing their business in two. Herman recently helped a pair of dentists who divorced after sharing an office for years. Since each had their own patients, they opted to split the practice down the middle, and continue to work together in the same office without any trouble.

Perhaps the riskiest approach is to continue running the business together even after the marriage ends. To keep the peace over the years to come, Otis Baskin, a consultant with the Chicago-based Family Business Consulting Group Inc., suggests setting up a board of directors to ensure key decisions are based on a business perspective, rather than a personal grudge. "You don't need million-dollar directors," he says. "You just need people with good business judgment who don't have a dog in the race." And, he notes, this works only if the couple has established a strong working relationship that's separate from a soured personal relationship.

When all else fails, most lawyers will advise selling the business and splitting the assets -- a risky proposition, since only about 30% of small businesses on the market sell, industry figures show. In the end, Hannan's ex-husband bought out her share of the landscaping yard for more than $500,000 and continues to run the business today. She was satisfied with that arrangement, she says, but remained frustrated by the drawn-out legal battle that seemed driven more by lawyers than by Hannan and her ex. In response, Hannan and her 36-year-old daughter, Becky Shook-Wotzka, launched the first U.S. outlet of Fairway Divorce Solutions, a Canadian franchise that offers independently negotiated divorce settlements through mediators, rather than lawyers, with an eye to financial planning. Based in Sacramento, they now have four employees and are on pace to hit 120 clients and more than $100,000 in revenue by the end of the year.

Remember: "Fail to plan, plan to fail." This wonderful saying hits the nail on the head when it comes to ensuring a smooth summer with the kids and the ex. There is no question that co-parenting adds a level of complexity and stress to trip planning, but if you take the time to map out the summer months in advance, the reward will be well worth it. The irony is that planning meticulously actually allows you to live more freely and spontaneously in the moment.

The first hurdle is to approach the subject with your ex and commit to putting together a summer schedule that works for the entire family. Family vacations, summer camps and other group activities need to be planned many months in advance, so get started now with the planning while summer is right around the corner. While you are planning this summer, commit to planning for next summer prior to the winter months so you are prepared in advance for next year.
Planning time separate from your ex

The best scenario is to set aside a minimum of two weeks per parent so they can have the children to vacation as they please. After you set these four weeks (two each) aside you can proceed to divide the rest of the summer up based on work, camps, summer school activities and other events.

It is very important that both parents create the schedule together and then inform the children on the rotation. Do not fall into the trap of consulting the children unless they are older. Kids of any age should not be choosing between spending time with parents. Once the times are set, each parent can then freely discuss with the kids where and how they want their vacation to come together.  
Planning time together with the ex

Sometimes, parents will decide to "share" the vacation and perhaps take the kids together. While this might be appropriate in the early years or when recently separated, it is not usually a good idea over the long term as it does send mixed messages. Children always fantasize about their parents reuniting and so creating healthy loving boundaries is in the long-term best interest of the children. Mom and Dad can be respectful and friendly but too much time together really prevents new exciting futures to unfold.  

Children are very flexible and will be empowered in almost every situation as long as the parents are positive, mutually supportive even when conflicted and do not allow their personal agendas or issues to impact the children. Keep negative news to yourself and share the good news about your ex.
Top tips for a successful summer vacation

   1. Plan as far in advance as you can to allow for booking holidays, time off and summer camps.
   2. Discuss the rotation in advance for the summer. Does each parent get one or two weeks of vacation with the children? Are you going to split the summer in half?
   3. Are you considering sharing vacation time? If so, what are the boundaries? Who is sleeping where for example?
   4. What about new relationships? Are they included in the vacation? Clearly this can be a very touchy topic, yet by setting ground rules in advance, you can save a ton of stress when the vacation arrives. There is no right or wrong here as it depends on so many variables, but either way, think it out and consider the children first.
   5. Who is going to pay for what? Is the higher earner going to contribute to the vacation time for the lower income parent? Sometimes a huge discrepancy between holidays can cause the children and parents stress.
   6. Ensure you have set out a calling schedule. How many times are the kids to call the parent at home? It is always better to have the traveling parent agree to have the children call home at a certain time. Every second day is often enough.
   7. Ensure the kids feel like they can take whatever belongings they want with them.
   8. Remember that for the first few years, having separate vacations feels a bit weird and hurtful for the children. Remain positive and always hold the other parent in high esteem regardless of what you may think.
   9. Create new traditions with your children.
  10. Do not forget travel insurance and letters of permission if you are traveling outside the state or country.
  11. Always ensure each parent has all contact information for where they are traveling.
  12. Set it out in writing so each parent has a record of what was agreed upon. Time does fade memories.

Click here for more articles from SheKnows.com

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt had an “emotional reunion” by phone last month. In Touch Weekly apparently has pictures of it because Brad and Jen are both talking on their cell phones on this week’s cover.

Also, according to the tab, Brad gave Jen a 24-karat gold necklace, which presumably happened at some other emotional reunion because, so far as I know, you can’t hand someone a gold necklace over the phone.

Brad also plans to buy Jen a “Ralph Lauren cashmere blanket and a Venini vase” for her new apartment. Brad sure is a nice guy! Except for all that business about dumping her for Angelina Jolie.

Brad now feels as if he’s “regained a cherished part of his life,” says the tab. Adds a supposed friend of Brad’s: “There are still feelings there.”

I find it fascinating (“fascinating” like one might find Teen Mom or a festering boil fascinating) that, almost six years after Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston divorced, the tabs are still running almost weekly stories asserting that they are about to be reunited at any given moment. It was only last year that In Touch exclaimed that Brad and Jen were “caught hugging and kissing.” (No word as to whether this happened while they were sitting in a tree.)

In the real world, or what passes for the real world in celebritydom, Brad has six kids with Angelina Jolie. I’m willing to stake my typing hands on the fact that Brad and Jen don’t have emotional reunions over their cell phones or any other medium of communication, that they were never caught kissing, that they don’t buy each other cashmere sweaters or gold necklaces, and that they have absolutely no plans, not even an inkling of a plan, to remarry and broadcast it on pay-per-view. (Though if they ever do do this, I hope they give me a little kickback for coming up with the idea—especially since I will need to buy fake hands.)

What interests me is why this pretty triptych continues to hold sway over the public’s imagination. I’m guessing this hyperfictional plotline still sells well or the tabs would have abandoned it by now. There was plenty of hot celebrity gossip this week: Blake Lively and her fake-or-not-fake nude photos; Justin Bieber and his girlfriend Selena Gomez’s underage PDA; and the continuing saga of Arnold/Maria/The Maid, to name a few scandals. But In Touch ignored it all to put this old chestnut on the cover. Jenbrangelina stories must be the tab-sales equivalent of a low risk investment, like a municipal bond fund.

I have a basic idea as to how the tabs get their “information,” which is always attributed to unnamed “insiders.” Years ago, a coworker and his girlfriend broke up. She then began dating a celebrity who also, coincidentally, was a cast member of Friends (no, it’s not Courteney Cox). This item made a bunch of gossip blogs, so when I mentioned it to a guy who happened to be a tabloid reporter, I didn’t feel I was revealing anything he didn’t already know. But then he began emailing me for more details. What had my coworker said? How was he feeling? How did his girlfriend meet the Friends star (no, it’s not Lisa Kudrow)?

I told him I didn’t know anything other than what had already been reported. In truth, I knew a bit more, but I certainly wasn’t going to tell him and, besides, he didn’t even have the decency to offer me a bribe! It was clear that he would have been happy if I’d just made something up, and then he would have attributed it to an “insider.”

But I’m more curious about the root of the eternal lure of the Branjengelina troika. What subconscious primordial force forever pulls readers into this hoary fairy tale? Perhaps there is something about the archetype that agitates deep animal instincts within the collective unconscious. I turned to an expert.

“On some level, everyone wants Angelina to pay because she invaded the sanctity of marriage,” says Karen Stewart, CEO and founder of Fairway Divorce Solutions, a divorce mediation company. “We identify with Jen because she’s not perfect. And we all want the good guy to win, and the good guy hasn’t won yet, and the good guy is Jen. This play will end when Jen rides off into the sunset with a new man. We still see her as the dumped woman. How sick is that?”

Very sick, but please do go on.

“They are mirroring what is happening in society,” continues Stewart. “The lack of boundaries, the lack of closure, the lack of internal control and an addiction to drama—you see this in everything from politics, to finances, to the economy.”

Yikes, it’s like Branjengelina are the universe! Maybe, for the sake of the planet, they need to get back together. 

The divorce rate may be sky high and adultery as common as short skirts in summer, but even in an age when train-wreck breakups make headlines, news that former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child a decade ago and kept the matter concealed from his wife and other children is taking some divorce veterans by surprise.

“I don’t think I have had any cases where it’s been a concealment of a whole other life for 10 years,” said James Marks, a family law lawyer practising in Toronto. “It’s not that common.”

Mr. Schwarzenegger admitted this week he had a child with a member of his household staff who had worked for the family for 20 years, until her retirement this past January. Mr. Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, announced their separation earlier this month, but until now, the reason for the split wasn’t known.

Despite the circumstances, the case highlights the betrayal, lies and deceit that are at the root of most relationship breakdowns, said Karen Stewart, founder and chief executive officer of Fairway Divorce Solutions.

“It’s devastating to find out you’re dealing with something you didn’t know [about],” Ms. Stewart said.

But instead of focusing on salacious details, she said it’s more important to focus on how to recover from such damaging blows.

Acts of betrayal shatter the self-confidence of spouses and make it hard for them to trust themselves again, she said.

For many, getting over the relationship is nothing compared to regaining their sense of self and avoiding playing the victim. Ms. Stewart said Ms. Shriver now has the opportunity to do just that – and perhaps serve as a role model for others in the process.

“The journey of recovering is learning to trust yourself again,” Ms. Stewart said. “It’s not about the other party.” 

by Lylah M. Alphonse, Shine Staff

"I've been both," Stewart adds. "And they are totally different. But you can embrace and have gratitude for both of them."

Stewart says that focus should be on keeping the stress levels low on Mother's Day—and that it's up to the adults in the family to do so. Having the step mom and the bio dad on the same page can go a long way toward making the day go smoothly.

Katz has noticed the same thing. During one of her recent stepparenting workshops, she says, "The women unanimously agreed that their husbands must step to the plate and teach their children what to do." And that includes celebrating the kids' biological mother as well.

Karen Stewart, founder and CEO of Fairway Divorce Solutions.

Karen Stewart, founder and CEO of Fairway Divorce Solutions.
"When children are very young—toddlers to 8 years old—their fathers will have to help them pick out a present for their biological mother," Katz advises. "I don't think it's the place for the stepmother to do this, just as I don't think it's the place of the biological mother to help their children buy a present for their stepmother. Keeping boundaries clear prevents lots of problems for children."

"I do believe that children need to recognize all of the mothers in their lives," Stewart says. "The tone is set by the parents, but the how-to is set by the kids."

So how can you make Mother's Day happier, even if it doesn't go the way you wish it could? The experts offer a few tips:

Click here to view the PDF of Fairway's feature in the Press Enterprise.

Click here to view a PDF of April's MORE MAGAZINE!

Getting rid of emotional clutter

By LISA BRANDT

It’s a ritual of spring: clearing out the clutter that accumulated over the long, dark months of winter. While most of us concentrate our efforts on closets, basements and places where dust bunnies gather, divorce expert Karen Stewart reminds us to also remove the items that create emotional clutter.

“Really take a look around your living space and be cognizant of how that’s affecting your life,” she says.

Belongings left over from previous relationships, especially those that have unhealthy ties to the past, should be kicked to the curb.

Stewart founded Fairway Divorce Solutions after enduring the painful tug-of-war of her own marital split. Her approach is to have financial experts, not lawyers, take control of the divorce file, because decisions about money and property can be resolved rather quickly.

Emotional issues, on the other hand, can take years to resolve and can stop you from moving forward – especially if you’re stuck in a decorating time-warp from where you were still in a couple.
  
Her advice: remove negative emotional triggers from your home by assessing the feeling you get from your decor. Photos and mementoes that keep you thinking about what was, instead of what is or what will be, need to be edited out of the next chapter of your life.

Stewart maintains that many people know intuitively when they’re stuck and not moving on with their lives. But if you want to be really sure, ask a trusted friend. Let them tell you honestly if you’re still talking about your ex all the time or if they feel you’re still rooted in the past.

“Divorce is an event in your life; it doesn’t define it,” says Stewart. “The smoother and faster you can move through it, the better.”

But, she cautions, “Not too fast, because you need to heal.”

Look ahead. Get out the measuring tape and decide whether your ex-spouse’s sewing room will accommodate the regulation-sized pool table that was always too extravagant when you were wed. Or perhaps the vacant space that used to be Manland would give you more living area with the bar torn out.

Some people in the throes of a distressing split mistake denying the past for moving ahead. Stewart believes in honouring the great years you had while acknowledging that the relationship is over. She says packing away a few special keepsakes may not be a bad thing.

“It all depends on the emotion that’s attached. If [the stuff] all goes away with detachment and clear boundaries, then that’s great. And keeping a few mementos is very different than somebody who’s still got a photo of their ex hanging in an area where they spend a lot of time.”

The bedroom is a great place to start fresh with new linens and a different colour scheme. And those family photos on the dresser and walls? Ripping them all down can upset your children. Stewart suggests letting the kids take their pick, to allow them to be a part of the evolution of their family.

“So create a little place in their room,” Stewart says. “Let them have an area for photos and things that represent their entire life. It’s an opportunity for them to engage in this process. Let them have reminders of your family unit AND photos of you and them without your ex. They’ll be more understanding of your emotional spring cleaning process if they’re involved in it.”

Purging your belongings borrows some principals from the ancient Chinese system of feng shui, which relies on the belief that “stuff” has energy. The items you choose to live with determine what you attract and repel in your personal life, and that includes healing your heart and even meeting a new love.

“See what’s in your home that’s holding you back,” says Stewart, “and let it go.”

KAREN SCHWARTZ  March 16, 2011

Actor Bruce Willis has done it. So has Britain's Prince Andrew and media mogul Arianna Huffington.

They've all vacationed with their ex-spouses and kids.

While such post-marital closeness is inconceivable to some divorced couples, others say it's a great way to save money and to foster good memories, for the children – and even the parents.

"If you get along with your ex it can be very easy to do," said Mike Geoffrion, 39, who has vacationed with his ex-wife, Janna, and kids, including a trip to Disneyland.

Geoffrion, who manages a bike store in Fort Collins, Colo., divorced in 2006 after six years of marriage but thinks the joint vacations have been nice for the kids as well as the adults. Supervising and entertaining children is less stressful with two parents, he said, and he enjoyed the adult interaction. "You get tired of talking to an 8-year-old over nice, expensive dinners," he said.

Vacationing together has also worked well for Meredith Morton, 39, an actress in Los Angeles, and her ex-husband, Shane Edelman. When they first divorced in 2004, they took vacations with their infant son, Ace, because they both wanted to enjoy his "firsts." Since then they have each remarried, yet continue to vacation en masse with their new spouses, Ace, and his three half-siblings.

Most recently, they rented a large house in Palm Springs, Calif., and spent three days relaxing by the pool, playing with the children and making fun of golfers.

"It wasn't just like we were just sharing rent. We went to be with them," Morton explained.

It helps that her husband, Scott Cutler, a music producer, gets along with Edelman. For one thing, Cutler likes to eat, and Edelman likes to cook.

"Die Hard" actor Willis has vacationed with his former wife, Demi Moore, their three daughters, and her current husband, Ashton Kutcher. "It's hard to understand, but we go on holidays together," he told Vanity Fair in a 2007 interview. "We still raise our kids together – we still have that bond."

Fran Walfish, a psychologist in Beverly Hills, Calif., and author of "The Self-Aware Parent," said divorced couples vacationing amicably with their kids "gets my complete endorsement."

But she cautioned, children of divorce often fantasize that their parents will reunite, and vacationing together might feed that. Parents need to be clear that the trip is a special event, like a Disney visit or a birthday trip, "and say, 'We really just wanted to both be with you.' "

Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, both 51, have made a ski trip with their two daughters a nearly annual event since their divorce in 1996.

Huffington, 60, waited 12 years after her divorce to vacation with her ex-husband, former Republican Congressman Michael Huffington, and their teen daughters.

But the 2009 trip to Greece was so successful that she blogged: "I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take."

Warren Gardner, 24, of Vancouver, British Columbia, offers the child's perspective. He and his two younger sisters have vacationed with both their parents since their separation three years ago. They've taken several trips around British Columbia and Alberta, most recently to Calgary for Christmas and to mark his grandmother's 90th birthday.

"To be honest, vacations all together since they split are less stressful than when they were together," he said. "The mood is a lot lighter."

What advice do divorced travel veterans have for those who might consider giving it a try?

Geoffrion said it has only worked for him when neither he nor his ex-wife were in a serious relationship. And, he said, although he paid for the previous trips, he's at a point where he'd expect to split the expenses.

Karen Stewart, founder and chief executive of Fairway Divorce Solutions, a Calgary-based divorce mediation company with franchises throughout North America, recommends exes vacationing together negotiate the ground rules before the trip.

Differences in parenting style become even more apparent when couples live apart, says Stewart, author of the book, "How to Divorce with Dignity and Move on with Your Life." Pre-trip agreement needs to be reached about finances, chores and sleeping arrangements.

She recommends parents consider planning some separate time during the trip, though Geoffrion said he and his ex-wife tried to behave like a family and did activities only as a group. They even stayed in the same hotel room, though different beds.

Morton said the biggest factor for her when she's with Edelman is watching her behavior.

"When I want to be short or get irritated or whatever I can't because Ace is standing right there," she said.

"It's not like it's a huge sacrifice," she added. "Honestly, the gift that I give Ace by having us both in the same place" is worth it. 

Karen Stewart started Fairway Divorce Solutions, which keeps divorce mediation out of the court system, making the process quicker, less expensive and, she says, more practical.

AvenueMagazine
By Jesse Semko

Experience: As an entrepreneur, Stewart has started more than half a dozen finance-based businesses, including an insurance company and a wealth advisory stock-management firm; she has her MBA and is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst; in 2006, after her own bitter divorce took five years to settle and cost her $500,000 in legal bills, Stewart started Fairway Divorce Solutions, which keeps divorce mediation out of the court system, making the process quicker, less expensive and, she says, more practical; Fairway Divorce Solutions has 39 franchises, and counting, across North America; you can read her side of her own divorce story in her book, Clean Break: How to divorce with dignity and move on with your life; she still believes in love and marriage.

“Every minute of my divorce was hell and it just did not need to be that way. If I knew then what I was getting into, all of the nasty back and forth through the court system, I’m not sure I would have gone down that path. I would have at least considered a different strategy.”

“We are pain avoiders and pleasure seekers. People divorce when the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving.”

“One of the most challenging things for anyone going through a divorce is dealing with their emotions. The best way for people who are divorcing to feel empowered is to take ownership of the ending. Unfortunately, many get caught up in the no-win blaming mode, which costs time and money.”

“You don’t have to be amicable to divorce — most couples aren’t — but the traditional system makes it even more difficult because it pits one person against the other, with both competing to get the upper hand.”

“You can move through divorce two ways. You can be proactive, or you can be a victim. If you are proactive, you reduce chaos, save most of the assets you have gathered and, most importantly, reduce the impact on your children.”

“It is normal to feel afraid of what might happen in the process of getting divorced. If you can understand the process and know where you are going, then you can feel more confident about the outcome. We use a unique step-by-step model that takes a couple through all of the decisions that need to be made. In this way, we create empowered decision makers who have much less fear and make better decisions.”

“Divorce comes down to two things: money and kids. If you deal with the money first and address the issues around this very sensitive topic, by the time you start deciding parenting issues, the waters have usually calmed and the kids won’t be used as pawns. Never deal with money and kids at the same time.”

“Parenting plans that split time with children based on percentages is limiting and not always practical. It is much better to focus on what works for all of the parties and put together a schedule that works for everyone. The best people to do that are the parents and certainly not the courts.”

“When you are evaluating assets, even costs that seem like they should be fixed can become quite fluid. There is a natural tendency to inflate what one party will get. There can be great disparity and argument with regard to, for example, house values. The reverse is true as well, if it is something that one person really wants, they’ll undervalue it. Those behaviours are not always intentional, but can result in great conflict, chaos and a prolonged resolution that costs time and money.”

“We have to stop thinking of divorce in the negative. Divorce does not mean failure. It isn’t bad; it just is.”

It Happened in Vegas, But Didn't Stay There: Two Chicago Lawyers Once Engaged, Now Fighting in Court

Weeks before her planned wedding, Lauren Serafin says she learned her fiancé Robert Leighton likely had an illicit encounter at a bachelor party in Las Vegas.

Now the former couple may be headed to court after Serafin slapped her alleged philandering fiance with a complaint in the Circuit Court of Cook County, Ill., for breach of promise to marry and other relief.

The bride and groom were close to tying the knot when Serafin alleges in the suit that she discovered text messages sent to her fiancé indicating "something happened" during his trip to Sin City.

After weeks of denial and numerous attempts to discretely move out of the couple's shared apartment, Robert Leighton confessed to "hooking up" with a woman named in the lawsuit as Danielle, according to court papers.

In the suit, posted on the legal news Web site On Point News, Serafin says the couple had a two-year relationship before Leighton proposed in July 2009. The following year, weeks before the "I dos," Leighton traveled to Las Vegas with family and friends for a bachelor party.

And, this is where things get murky. The complaint alleges Leighton and Danielle met "less than 24 hours prior to engaging in sexual intercourse."

The former fiancee claims that though she found text messages between Leighton and Danielle, her fiancé denied anything happened, apparently believing the mantra "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

In the following weeks, Leighton would allegedly admit he "made out" with the other woman, Danielle, before eventually disclosing the two "hooked up." Leighton would go on to blame Serafin for his indiscretion before informing the want to-be bride that he would not marry her, the court papers allege.

Since ending their engagement Serafin says she has suffered humiliation and depression and is seeking $62,814 as reimbursement for wedding preparations.

In a complaint to the court, filed by her attorney Enrico J. Mirabelli of Nadler, Pritikin, & Mirabelli, the jilted bride alleges breach of promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Your "thoughts" alone can determine whether you and your children have a good or bad Holiday Season

The Holidays are a time for joy and gratitude, but for those in the process of divorce, the season can be very daunting. The good news is that you can make the most of your Holidays and have fun if you work on changing your perspective.

So much research has been done over the last number of years that have concluded that our thoughts shape our feelings, which shape our actions, which control the consequences; contrast this to our previous belief that our emotions shape our thoughts, which shape our outcomes--this would give us much less control over our happiness then we now know we have. So in essence, we can control our happiness by controlling our thoughts!

Certainly easier said than done, but there is no time like the Holidays to challenge your negative thought patterns. If you can control your negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts, your life will transform in front of you, and not just this Holiday Season. To get started with this new discipline you need to learn to be attuned to listening to your thoughts and stopping the negative ones immediately. Consider a few examples:

I am so tired--versus--I had full day and feel satisfied and now I need to rest to rejuvenate for an exciting tomorrow.

Our plane has been delayed due to a bad storm for a minimum of 24 hours and I am really upset and put out - versus Our plane has been delayed for 24 hours so now I get a chance to grab a few hours to do something just for myself like see this new city or read or just have some down time.

I do not know what I am going to do without my kids during the Holidays; I cannot bear the thought of them not being with me. They are going to suffer and so am I - versus - I know it is going to be different this year as I do not have my kids all the time, but this will give me an opportunity to do other things that I never have time for. Perhaps I will spend more time with friends or read that book I have wanted to read, or spend a day alone or at the spa. My children also have an opportunity to experience something different and they will have their other parent all to themselves and that will hopefully provide some bonding that they otherwise may not have when I am around.

These subtle differences will help to increase your happiness quotient during the Holidays, and how exciting to think you actually do have control over your thoughts and resulting emotions and actions.

In addition to replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones, it is essential to take the time now to plan in advance for the Holiday season. Fill your days up because it is easier to change your thought patterns when you are active/busy, and force yourself to find at least five things to be grateful for each day and either say them or write them down.

Be the best you can be, which includes thinking positively, being a good leader and putting the kids first; all of this will help to keep the Holidays peaceful and joyful. 

By Angela Self - Globe & Mail

Karen Stewart knows first-hand how taxing divorce can be – hers took more than four years to finalize and left her with a $500,000 legal bill.

Ms. Stewart, a certified divorce financial planner, knows how exhausting, emotional and incredibly expensive it can be when separating from a partner. As founder of Fairway Divorce Solutions, she urges clients to explore options that will leave them sitting in the best financial position possible after the dust has settled.

According to Ms. Stewart, when divorce is on the table, many couples automatically head to their respective lawyers, a route that their family and friends have gone in the past. However, seeking alternatives to the traditional methods could be a more cost-effective option.

One alternative is seeking mediation through an organization like Fairway Divorce. A free consultation will provide you with a fixed rate for services and a greater understanding of the process and proceedings attached to divorce.

The goal of mediation is to have one mediator conversing with each partner individually to get each other on the same page as quickly and cost-effectively as possible. Of course, a mediator’s process and costs should be compared to the process and rates of a lawyer or any other alternatives. Seeking a referral is always the best way to find a lawyer, but if you’d prefer to seek out a lawyer yourself, click here to find a divorce/separation lawyer in your area. Equipping yourself with a list of questions to ask your lawyer during your first consultation will help you to determine a more realistic time and cost estimate. Ms. Stewart also recommends taking a friend or an impartial family member to each consultation, as too many people are caught up in the emotional element of their divorce, leading them to forget to ask the tough questions or share the important details that could save thousands of dollars.

Locating a professional who can help you navigate your new financial picture as early as possible is also important. Adjusting to less disposable income, the increased costs of running a household solo, and figuring out how to best restructure common investments can be overwhelming. A consultation with a financial planner can help you to get a handle on the financial impact of your upcoming divorce. Running the numbers on your divorce may actually take the emotion out of the equation, instilling logic and the urgency needed to get your divorce wrapped up as quickly and painlessly as possible.

If you’re contemplating divorce, or know someone in the early stages of separation, take the time to ensure you’re going the best route for the long run. Regardless of the route you ultimately take to finalize your divorce, you’ve worked hard together to build your net worth, so you should work hard to preserve as much of it as possible. 

Non-resident fathers and the time they spend with their kids "during the last year" as reported by mothers:

By Anne Godlasky, USA TODAY

Half of all U.S. children won't live with their father for part of their childhood. But just because "non-resident" dads don't live with their kids doesn't mean they're not involved with them.
"There are fathers that are very involved. There are some that are not. We have this image of the non-resident dad, and for some, that's the deadbeat dad," says Valarie King, a sociologist and demographer at Pennsylvania State University who just completed work on a five-year grant studying non-resident fathers.

Decades ago, non-resident fathers were largely divorced, but King and other researchers say many non-resident dads today were in a non-marital relationship that didn't last. Divorced fathers have been shown to be more involved, on average, than those who were never married to the child's mother, King says.

Such research findings (some yet unpublished) — along with changing attitudes and custody laws — are creating a new picture of today's non-resident dads.

"People don't realize how much things have changed, but if we look at the numbers, we see big increases in fathers' contact with children and big increases in fathers' payment of child support," says Paul Amato, also a Penn State sociologist and demographer.

And, just as fathers in two-parent families are more involved than a generation ago, "we're seeing a parallel trend among non-resident fathers," he says.

Research has shown that the presence of a father in the household has a positive influence on child well-being. But a study King co-wrote that appeared last month in the Journal of Family Issues found that the quality of the relationship may be more important: Adolescents who are close to their non-resident dad report higher self-esteem, less delinquency and fewer depressive symptoms than those who live with a father but aren't close.

"The point isn't what fathers do; it's whether the kid thinks or believes the father cares about them," says Philip Cowan, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California-Berkeley.

Some dads aren't present

Research co-written by Amato and published last year in the journal Family Relations reviewed changes in non-resident father-child contact over threedecades. The study, based on four national surveys using reports from 5,244 mothers of children ages 6-12, found significant increases in contact. In 1976, 18% of non-resident fathers saw kids at least weekly. By 2002, it grew to 31%. The percentage of dads who had no contact declined from 37% in 1976 to 29% in 2002.

But the findings weren't all positive. While the level of contact increased, moms reported that the majority of non-resident dads in any of the four groups didn't see their kids every week; 29% of kids didn't see their non-resident fathers at all in 2002.

Divorced father Armin Brott of Oakland says many fathers struggle with "not feeling like you matter. You can end up feeling completely useless," says Brott, founder of the website MrDad.com and author of The Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting Without a Partner.

But research on the importance of dads may give these fathers a new feeling of empowerment, says Karen Stewart of Calgary, Canada, author of the 2008 divorce book Clean Break.

"I think men are saying 'Enough is enough. I'm not just here to pay out money. I love my children as much as their mom does and I recognize that I am as important in their lives as their mom is,' " she says.

Among the highly involved dads, children tended to be older at the breakup, and the parents were more likely to have been married. The mothers were older and better-educated, and fathers were more likely to pay child support. Fathers also lived closer to their children in the first year after the split and in future years.

But staying involved is often fraught with difficulties, experts say. The former partners, whether formerly married or not, have to coexist as parents; physical distance spawns emotional distance. Schools and other institutions still want to define a primary parent and a parent with visitation rights, even if the parents claim equal footing. However, changes in custody laws, including joint physical custody and parenting plans required by many states, are making it somewhat easier for dads today.

Texting and calling

Technology also can play a role. Brad Monistere, 39, a sales rep from Hammond, La., texts his 15-year-old son and calls his 8- and 6-year-old sons at home each night. Monistere, married for 15 years and divorced four years ago, remarried in April and has a 17-year-old stepdaughter. His sons live a few miles away.

"It's my responsibility to be involved in their lives daily — to know what's going on with them. They understand I'm there, even though I'm not," he says. "I am available to them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am their father and I will take care of them."

Cowan says the "best predictor of whether a father is going to be involved with his kids is his relationship with the mom. "They don't have to love each other or like each other, but they do need to co-parent and collaborate."

Others agree; the more time non-resident fathers spend with their kids, the better the relationship between the parents, finds a study co-authored by Marcia Carlson, associate professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. It was presented to the Population Association of America in April.

Jim Lapan, 45, of Seattle says he and his ex-wife, married for 13 years and divorced for three, have "an excellent parenting partnership." He says they share custody equally: Their 11-year-old son spends weeknights with one and weekends with the other, alternating each month.

"We try to meet once a month to discuss the schedule," he says. "If discipline is being enforced, we support each other's decisions pretty consistently."

Child and family therapist Randell Turner, 53, of Red Lion, Pa., says the relationship he has today with his now-adult daughters was made possible because of his ex-wife. "She encouraged that relationship," he says. "She never got between it."

But, Turner says, his involvement with his girls evolved after his 1983 divorce, when his ex-wife moved with his daughters, then 2½ and 4, to be closer to family in Wausau, Wis.

"I didn't really grasp what was going to happen when my children moved so far away," he says. "I thought it was best for them to be around her family and grandparents and cousins, which we didn't have here."

Because they were so young, phone chats were difficult, and because of travel costs, he saw them only once or twice a year for a couple of weeks a visit.

"I realized if I didn't change what I was doing with my children, I was going to lose the relationship with them," he says.

He searched for ideas and found suggestions in a book, including sending his ex-wife large envelopes with prepaid postage up to 5 pounds, to send him the girls' school papers and artwork she wasn't going to keep. He says it gave him things to talk about with them on the phone.

"I began to get to know them and they began to know me better, and conversations began to become easier and more frequent," he says.

Geographical distance is what Michael Clausen, 32, of Metairie, La., says has kept him from closer contact with his two daughters, who live with their respective mothers about an hour away.

"What really stops me is trying to juggle my time between starting my business to make money to take care of my family and being with my family," says Clausen, a self-employed painter.

He says he and the mother of his older daughter, 9, lived together 2½ years.

He's now engaged to the mother of his younger daughter, almost 4.

Social science research has measured fathers' involvement by the amount of face time they get; researchers say their methods haven't kept up with technology — they haven't yet determined how to measure cellphone contact, for example.

Amato says other studies have shown that fathers who don't see their children very often generally don't contact them in other ways either. Fathers who see their children weekly are the most likely to talk with them frequently on the phone, he says.

Brian Evans, 44, of Raytown, Mo., says he and his 18-year-old daughter, Anitra, send text messages daily; they live in different cities about 20 minutes apart.

"Recently we created this little code where we may not have time to say much to each other — it's dot, dot, dot, exclamation point," he says. "We just text each other — which means 'I love you and don't you ever forget it.' " 

Lisa McLeod

We all know them; you might even be one of them. They’re the bitter divorced people who five years later are still seething with anger at their ex-spouse.

The question is, what caused the anger? The marriage, or the way they divorced?

It’s ironic; people often divorce in the hopes of creating a better life. Yet many emerge from the process bitter, broken and broke. Instead of reducing drama and angst, they just create more. The only thing they wind up with less of is money.

I’m not going to speculate as to why people divorce. What bothers me is the way they divorce.I’ve seen couple after couple go into a divorce saying it was going to be “friendly.” Yet fighting over money and kids inflames every negative emotion they ever had about their spouse, and within weeks they’re spewing venom and vitriol.

Otherwise kind and normal people find themselves hurling hurtful words and actions that create such bad feelings the residual effects last for years. (If you’ve ever been to a graduation or wedding for a child of divorce you know exactly what I’m talking about. The parents may have divorced a decade ago, but the tension is still simmering.)

The traditional divorce process brings out the worst in everyone. Both parties typically hire an attorney and because they’re both scared and angry, they instruct their attorneys to salvage what they can from the marriage, be it a home, boat, 401(k) or custody of the children.

It’s almost like people going through a divorce have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Unfortunately, lawyers make more money by poking the devil.
In the traditional divorce process, there’s no one assigned to call upon the better angels.
No one to ask, “What effect is it going to have on your children, and your relationship with your children, if you fight over every nickel and your kids wind up spending every other weekend in a crummy apartment with a person who hates you?”

Enter Karen Stewart, the founder & CEO of Fairway Divorce Solutions, Ltd. and the author of “Clean Break: How to Divorce With Dignity and Move On With your Life.”
Stewart was motivated to create an alternative divorce process after her own divorce became so contentious that she wound up spending half a million in legal fees and destroying the ability to co-parent with her now former spouse.

The Fairway Divorce process — www.FairwayDivorce.com — “is about saving your assets, not destroying them.” The step-by-step process uses “Independently Negotiated Solution, a paradigm shifting way to achieve a win-win outcome in all areas of divorce.”

Stewart says, “One of the biggest fallacies of divorce is that people think I need to take control, so they talk to family and friends, and they think the way to take control is to hire a lawyer.” However, she says, “People don’t realize that by hiring a lawyer, you are on a train wreck that you can’t get off.”

I know that there are plenty of nice attorneys out there; in fact, I come from a family of them. The problem in a divorce is that a win for the lawyers isn’t always a win for the couple, and it’s almost never a win for their kids.

Divorce is hard. But anger and venom only make it worse.

Don’t listen to the devil, he’ll only put you on the path to, well, you know.

Snellville resident Lisa Earle McLeod is a keynote speaker, consultant, and the best-selling author of “The Triangle of Truth.”